Blessing in the Mistaking

When I became pregnant with my children, I didn't look at the pee stick and say, "You know, I think I will bear children, ruin their lives and send myself into the throes of regret and despair for all of eternity..."

Being a woman automatically lends me to intermitten feelings of guilt. Being a mother placed me in a seat on the train going to Guiltsville Central. Menopause gave me an automatic upgrade from coach to first class, with a view.

I've made some mistakes in my life as a woman and mother. I was a very young single mother of four very young children. My husband at the time had a thing about keeping me pregnant while keeping the rest of the women of our area NOT pregnant.

Now, he is a pastor of a "church" all his own with a new wife and a brand new family, along with my two middle sons who worship the ground he walks on. Strange how life can throw and emotional curve ball that strikes you out every time.

Anyhoo, mistakes. Right. Onward.

As a single mom, I worked, worked and worked. I rarely saw my children and my oldest was the live in babysitter. I kept our heads above water, but, not without sacrificing the integrity of the fabric of my little family.

By the time my second child, a boy was 10 years old, he began to get violent and oppositional. I didn't know what to do, so I found my non-existent ex husband and told him that our son was headed for trouble and he needed to step up to plate.

Oh, the ex did and when he'd get sick of our son, he'd send him back. And, the terrible cycle began for my poor boy.

My second son, oh man...what a piece of work he's turned out to be. Talk about twisting the knife at every chance. I screwed up with him, too. I just did not know how to handle the outbursts and defiance. I was so busy, frustrated and exhausted. When he was 15 years old, he moved up with his dad. I've never seen him since then, but the boy makes sure to let me know he's lurking around and hates me.

During this time, I became a Christian and my life changed! All for the better, except the damage with my two sons was done. I wish I had served the Lord when they were children. I know it would have made a difference in the type of mother I would have been. For one thing, I'd never would have worked so much. I would have taken advantage of state help that was available and I would have forced my ex husband to pay child support.

Live and learn. I'm thankful for my oldest and youngest. I allowed Jesus into my life just in time to repent, restore and establish a new and healthy relationship with them-all by the grace of God. I can only pray and have faith for a healing in the other two.

The pain is unbearable sometimes. I'm guilt ridden and ashamed, but, in it all, I know the Lord is able to turn all my mistakes into blessings on my sons. The Bible declares it in Genesis 50:20a

"But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good,"

and in Nehemiah 13:1-2

"On that day they read in the book of Moses in the audience of the people; and therein was found written, that the Ammonite and the Moabite should not come into the congregation of God for ever; Because they met not the children of Israel with bread and with water, but hired Balaam against them, that he should curse them: howbeit our God turned the curse into a blessing."

I have to trust the Lord to heal my sons and bless their lives as they walk this path without me. I take full responsibility for the mistakes I've made, I have asked them to forgive me on several occasions-to no avail and I continue to pray for them.

Until then, I will trust the Word that never changes and is established forever when it says my mistakes will be made blessings.